It's official

Well, I am now the proud owner of a Vietnamese bằng lái xe. That means driver's license. It's an enormous piece of plastic to be carrying around in one's wallet. I'm just glad it's over because it took far too much effort on my part. Once I got started and invested both time and money, I had to see this through to the end. If I knew what I was getting into, I never would have bothered in the first place.

But now that I have it, I suppose I'm happy I went through all the rigmarole. Now, when I get into my next accident, I won't be automatically at fault just because I'm a foreigner and driving illegally. Not that that is the reason I got it. I don't really know why I got it. Just because I guess. Why not?

Traffic jelly

This evening, I experienced the worst traffic I have yet to experience here in Vietnam. It was ridiculous. Stop, go, stop, go, inhaling more exhaust than I'd inhale in a month back home. Going around the traffic circles was insane because every entrance was jammed full of people. As soon as a gap opened up in front of you, you HAD to lurch into it. Or you'd be left behind.

So after numerous lurches, a couple love taps on other people's fenders and rubbing my wheel all over someone else's, I finally made it to school in the spitting rain and lung-blackening fumes. It was fun though. Fun to run red lights with everyone else, fun to mutter what the fuck with everyone else and fun to just be a part of the madness.

People are insane here. It's just a fact of life. And you notice the insanity even more when everyone is jammed together like that. Like the guy who drove his 4-wheeled bicycle through a red light and made everyone else stop for him. When he made it through he turned around and laughed at his buddy who had intelligently stayed behind.

Or to see motorbikes coming at you in the wrong lane of traffic between you and a bus going in the right way. Just veer to the side. It's normal. But it was nice to see this lady stick out her tongue in slight recognition of the absurdity of it all as she tried to make her way to the appropriate lane. It made me realize that I'm not the only one out there who is shaking his head and laughing all the way to work.

I live next to a freeway

At first, I thought it was great to be tucked away down an alley somewhere in the middle of District 3 surrounded by throngs of locals. I suppose anywhere you go in this country you are going to be the midst of many. There is no escaping that and I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Just to clarify.

I have a nice balcony overlooking the alley below and I thought it would be nice to sit there on occasion and watch the action. Now, I realize this "alley" is actually a major artery connecting two busy streets and so it is often jammed with people in a hurry, also known as assholes.

I move over to the side to let the person coming at me pass me easily. But the dumb fuck behind me honks at me and goes instead. This has happened a lot already. A lot of dumb inconsiderate fucks. There is way too much horn blowing around here. They are used way too often.

I mean, seriously, imagine hearing one of these prepubescent squeaks of masculinity all the time. Well, at least I don't hear them from midnight to about six in the morning. But at six, the fun begins again as do the dogs and it's only wishful thinking that keeps me in bed until I rise.

I'm hoping I'll get used to it. Or maybe I'll start working in the mornings. What do you do if you can't beat 'em? You join 'em. I wish I could beat 'em though. With a stick. A long, hard, knobby stick with thorns at the end. Then I'd be laughing well into my dreams.

But the more likely scenario is this. Overrun with sleep deprivation in a state of delirium, I will jump off the balcony onto a honking motorist, a barking dog and a crying baby and put us all out of our misery. Or maybe I'll start wearing ear plugs again. Or I'll find some sleeping pills.

Fun with the webcam

The nose knows

Hey, I have a question for you. Do I have a big nose? Cause the other day in class, while playing change chairs, one of my students said "Change chairs if you have a long nose" and then he stared at me. Thanks buddy!

And then on this game show, the makeup lady said she needed to do something with my nose to tame it down a touch. Apparently, it was stealing all the attention. You say damn! I say, don't be jealous.

I'm going to be on TV

Coming soon to Vietnamese television: me looking like a fucking ass. Yeah, I signed up for it so I can't complain, but I will bitch about my day and the people associated with this stupid fucking game show. I would be less irritable if I had won the contest and felt that the judging wasn't biased and that the game wasn't seemingly rigged from the beginning.

Whatever, I'm just blowing off steam. I still won some money, 2 million dong to be precise, but in the moment I wanted to piss on that money and/or wipe my ass with it. But that would have been hugely disrespectful considering that most Vietnamese don't make that much money in a month. It is about $120. It wasn't so much the money, it was losing that gets me.

I don't feel like I lost. This show was all about embarrassing two foreigners willing to try and speak Vietnamese. I know I'm not good, but if I'm worse than this girl, put a fork in me, I'm done. It really deflates my confidence. Not only that, but I think the female judge that gave me the low score had it out for me. The bitch. I wish I could have stomped on her face.

I really am a poor loser. When all was said and done and they announced the winners, I couldn't even fake a smile. They gave us the statues, pictured here, and I almost snapped the fucking head off. I kind of wish I did even though I respect the handiwork involved to create the thing in the first place. It would have been a show of my utter lack of appreciation of being on the show.

They asked us for our comments on camera after the announcement of the winner. I could barely manage anything positive. Since the air was so full of bullshit, I added a little bit more, but with a straight face and stopped short of saying I had a mind-blowing experience. I can't wait to see myself on tv looking like a fucking idiot. It's too bad the viewers won't see all the clowns involved.

Yay, look at my fucking trophy! Yeah, I'm bitter.

Please Mr Policeman

Well, so much for the myth that the police don't bother with foreigners. Myths are meant to be dispelled anyway and now that I've dispelled this one, maybe I'll chill out a little. Maybe.

It was a long day. It was spitting with rain. It was about 9:15pm. I was anxious to get home and eat the street food that I had in plastic baggies hanging off the hooks of my motorbike.

I was on the home stretch and I was tired of sitting in second gear behind all these slow pokes. So, I gunned it from gear to gear in the lefthand lane designated for four-wheeled vehicles.

Then this guy with a baton blows his whistle and waves me to the side. Aww, shit. He points to the speedometer and writes 30USD on his palm. I laugh at his suggestion. And I pretend like I don't understand.

Although it is clear that he wants some money. Fortunately, I only had about 130,000 dong, or about $8, in my wallet. So I took out two 50,000 notes and showed him my near empty wallet.

He accepted the 100,000, waved me on and the eyes in the back of my head saw him put the money in his wallet. Tyler, slow down.