Smile you jerk

Sometimes all it takes is a smile to warm the soul. Or a heaping plate of cheap food. Or a beer. Or maybe three. Or all of the above. For me today, it began with a smile. The bitterness within has slowly faded and my unjustifiable scowl and unfriendly glare have gone with it. I can't explain it, why days begin as they do, I just know some days start shitty and only go down the toilet from there. I wish I could, but I can't just wake up and say "Today is going to be a great day!" Well, I could, but it would be done with absolute sarcasm.

It all began last night. It is cold up in the north of Vietnam. Unseasonably cold. It feels like I am back home and I don't want to be. Not yet. Not while it is still cold. So back to last night. I tossed and turned my way through the evening. Two blankets were insufficient to keep me cozy and my earplugs were ineffective at keeping out the noise. I awoke with the agitation alive within. I hoped a hot shower would shake the chills, but it was lukewarm at best and only helped to fuel the fire.

I hate being cold. And it doesn't take much to bring me to my "freezing point". I hate rain in my face and I hate drizzle even worse. If it's going to rain, just rain. Today, it drizzled. And my fingers froze and I have been feeling cold and relatively uncomfortable all day. At least back home, I could go to a cafe and warm up by the fire over some hot tea. Here, I go to an internet cafe and have some fool blowing his cigarette smoke in my face for the duration. That does not warm me up.

Yes, today the world was slowly conspiring against me. That's how it always works. I know it's not true, but it's hard to feel otherwise when you can't break the spell that started the downward spiral. Every noise, every god-forsaken horn that beeped, every voice that yelled, jarred my sensibilities. And so I would mutter something under my breath and refurrow my brow to make myself feel "better" - take that world - forgetting or ignoring the fact I was only increasing my own internal strife.

The cold is truly my worst enemy. If I am cold I am not comfortable and constantly in "survival" mode. I don't care about anything else, it all falls by the wayside as I attempt to get warm. It's hard to notice other people suffering. It's hard to notice a beautiful woman. It's hard to notice anything but my own "misery". Sometimes it seems impossible for me to get warm. It's just a long struggle to get through the day as I grow into a bigger and bigger asshole. Most people who know me, know that. I can't seem to help it. Forgive me for my sins. That is certainly not my only one.

So, today I muttered and scowled and shivered and cursed and spat and scratched and clenched and kicked and lamented my woes and while getting overcharged for everything I slowly pulled my hat lower and lower over my eyes and dug my hands deeper and deeper into my pockets. Not to dig out change, but to clench my fists and scream internally at the world. Ahhhhh!

A girl walked by me late this afternoon. Eye contact. And a smile. And with it, an exhalation of bitterness that had accumulated throughout the day. Get out! A smile brought about my transformation. A slow one it certainly was, but I know that was the turning point. And then I found a cheap homely hole-in-the-wall restaurant and filled my belly with noodles and hot Vietnamese tea, which helped me come nearly full circle. Until I dealt with the bitch again at the travel agency.

You can't always end a story on a good note. Just remember that you can change someone's day by smiling. You might not change your own day, but you can help reduce someone else's suffering. You may just be rewarded later on if you are open to it. If you act like a bitch, then you deserve your suffering and may someone end your misery - hopefully by smiling.