Knock offs

Yesterday, I bought some Tommy Hilfiger pants. I needed some new teaching trousers because the three pairs I have are getting used and abused. And you can't wear the pin stripes everyday. All I wanted were some plain old khakis. Loose fitting please. Because I'm tired of crouching and having them stay stuck on my emaciated quads.

I finally sound some trousers that fit. They even had my length, which was a surprise considering the average length of a Vietnamese person with a trunk between his legs. I had to settle for pleats even though I can't stand them. I was in a hurry what can I say? I just needed another option. And now, instead of looking like a beanpole it looks like I'm about to give birth. That's why I hate pleats. Damn it.

Anyway, I got my pants back home and I took off the tags. I got a good laugh from the ensuing read:

TOMMY HILFIGER khakis

products manafactured and distrited by Tommy fashion. pleas contact us at Tommy-com
OURtradition fit is a comfortable. Closer-to-the-body fit with a toch more tapering in the leg
The TOMMY hallmark of quality and style is exhibited in a vast selection of khakis from aquerstran inspired desighs to highly figurative modem. Please contact us.

And I only just highlighted the spelling mistakes. Check that grammar! I have no idea why they can't retype something with accuracy, but I really don't mind cause it makes me laugh.

R.I.P.

Well, I am officially without a camera. My 4.0 megapixel Canon PowerShot S410 Digital Elph has eaten shit and died. We haven't been that close in recent years so it's not a huge loss for me. But I have fond memories and we shared good times in Costa Rica in '05, Nicaragua in '06 and more recently in Southeast Asia from '07 until the present.

Officially, her time of death is still undetermined. I can't recall when I first heard the clicking noise. It was either last night or approximately 1:07pm this afternoon. I pulled the plug shortly after paying my bill for lunch. I slammed the lens into the table. There is no more clicking. I couldn't bear to watch her experience so much pain.

She had experienced this clicking before. She was treated and released after spending some time at Canon's rehabilitation center. Unfortunately, the insurance company did not cover her bills. I did and that was the beginning of the end for us. I have been eyeing other cameras for years now and it won't take me long to find a replacement.

If she was a cat, she would have had more than nine lives. She landed on her feet many of those times, but only barely. She emerged battered and shaken from her stay at the rehabilitation center. From then on, it was only a matter of time. The last year or so of her life, I wasn't too fond of her. So, I can't say I am sorry to go our separate ways. Good riddance!

Condolences can be sent to me by email and any donations to the charity of the bereft's choosing can be sent to yours truly by Paypal. I will choose the most fitting charity to fulfill her wishes in death and the hereafter.

Questions I want answered

Why did this Vietnamese girl just tell me I need to eat more? I mean, yes, I'm skinny by Western standards, but I'm enormous by Vietnamese standards. I outweigh your brother, your father and every one of your friends by 30 kilos! And you, I'm twice your weight!

Why did I lose two toenails last week? Ok, they were half of my toenails. But what happened? Did I stub my toes? Am I eating too much rice? Too much B6? Too little iron? Too little protein? Too much fiber?

Why do I have this recurring hemorrhoid? Damn. Push it back in one day and it pops out the next. Go crawl back up that ass where you came from.

What kind of fungus is growing between my two smallest toes? I have never smelled toe cheese this foul. Who farted on moldy cheddar and spread it between my toes? Who did it? And I'm grateful for this, but why is it only between those two toes?

What girls are serious and who just wants my money? Who's really a good girl? With whom am I wasting my time?

Why can't I sleep? This has been going on far too long. I'm surprised I haven't lost it yet. I think it would be classified as chronic insomnia if I were to go to someone who might classify it as such. To me, it's sleep deprivation and I'm tired of waking up at 7am no matter what time I go to bed!

What am I going to have for lunch? What am I going to do this afternoon? Will I play pick-up football as I have in mind? What's going on tonight? Will I be a good teacher? Will I like teaching? What does the future have in store for me? Where will I end up? Will I get married? Will I have children? Am I ever going to get off the computer today?

More pertinent questions to be asked soon. Please comment if you have the answers.

Ode to the Mach

Oh my Mach three

Where have you been

There were some rough days
But now times are smooth again

I didn't know what I was missing
Until you came back to me

The disposable was disposable
But you, you are forever

You complete me
From now to eternity

Taxes!

Hell yes. Don't know why I delayed for so long. I didn't think I was getting a refund and didn't think I had the means to finish my tax return while my w2s were sitting idle in the post office back home. But I found out otherwise. And I found out how easy it was to e-file! Where have I been?

All it took was a few phone calls, a few emails, a scan of my signature and some time in front of the computer. And let me tell you it was worth the money. Or will be worth the money. And I'm supposedly getting the full $600 stimulus payment as well! All in all, that'll be close to two months of living on the cheap in southeast Asia. Like I said before, hell yes.

Rhum

This is my mini-fridge. I don't think I've ever had one. Not in college. Not after. So, maybe I thought I had to take advantage. It is now home to a bottle of Vietnamese Rhum and 7up. And some foul smelling jackfruit.

I'm not a rhum drinker. Nor a rum drinker for that matter either. Basically because it's too expensive. Since I tend to slurp my drinks that just means I'm through them that much faster. So I order beer. But if you bought me some rum I probably wouldn't let it go to waste.

This wine-bottle sized bottle cost me $1. It kind of tastes like candy. You might see why I like it. This also means fewer expenditures at the bar. Not that I spend much anyway. A couple beers and I'm full to the brim. I'm definitely not their favorite customer and well, I'm ok with that.

Now, I drink this stuff, not every day mind you, but as an occasional after work "beer". Someone told me it was made from bananas. That might explain why it's so cheap. What is cheaper than bananas? Well, maybe rice and potatoes. Maybe. I have no idea if it's true and I don't care. I'm just glad it's cheap. Just like me. We get along.

Cash

Since I couldn't take a picture of the man in black himself, I had to resort to the green stuff. It looks like I have a lot of it, but don't be fooled. I just went to the ATM. Each of those bills amounts to about six dollars. And today is the day I must pay my hotel so I have to go to the ATM again and see the funds whittle themselves away. The swines have no idea how much I owe, but they'll try to take me for as much as they can. I know how it works so I write it all down. Fuckers.

The point here was not to actually talk about money. It was supposed to be a shout out to Mr. Cash. Now that I can actually listen to my music again, I actually choose to listen to Johnny more than my old favorites. Even more than Mason Jennings and Sean Hayes who I may have overplayed over the years. Or quite possibly, I just can't listen to them loud enough on my laptop or on my Made in China headphones. But for some reason, Johnny comes in loud and clear and he seems to be hitting the spot. Thanks for that.

The rainy season

It knows how to rain in Vietnam. The rainy season is upon us and when it rains, it pours. I like it most of the time. It cools down everything and freshens the air. It can only be a bummer when you're not prepared for it. And then, it might piss me off. But on a day like today, when I'm safe under the awning of my hotel, I can enjoy the elements and the ensuing cool-down.

Yesterday, on the other hand, with a sore ass from having been on the bike about two hours, sunburned, hot, running late and then completely soaked - rain gear and all - unable to see out of my glasses, driving through enormous puddles and tremendous traffic, was a different story.

Water

You have to drink water. And you should probably not risk drinking it from the tap. So, you buy bottled water. And over the course of time, that amounts to a lot of plastic bottles. On average, I would guess I drink about two 1.5L bottles per day. Over six months time, that's a lot of bottles for one person. I kind of feel bad about that.

It usually costs 5,000 dong or 30 cents for one large bottle. Not too much to spend for safe water. 60 cents a day allocated to its consumption. It was recently brought to my attention that I could get a huge 21L jug of water delivered to my hotel. And it costs the same as two of the large bottles, delivery included! 21L for the price of 3. Ridiculous.

Work work work

I just started working this past Friday. I was given two 1.5 hour classes on Friday evening, one 2 hour class on Saturday morning and one 3 hour class on Sunday morning. Not the best schedule for having a social life, but I'm more desperate to get started having a life in the long run than the short. And opening up my availability was one step towards achieving that. After I get some experience, I may start making some schedule requests.

Why does it reek of fish sauce? I'm losing my train of thought. Can't think straight when it smells like shit. What is going on around here? Out in the streets, the sewer is backed up and now this. And some to think of it, my bathroom smells too. Doesn't help when the maid just comes in and squirts some intoxicating stench-cover-upper and thinks that's going to solve the problem.

Back to my work schedule. My first full week in action I was given classes every day of the week. Yay! Um, nay. Nice to get hours, but just because I left you with open availability doesn't mean I want to work every day. So, I called and had them try to pawn off my Tuesday evening shift. One day later, I decided I wanted two days off every week and called them back. Try to pawn off that Thursday night shift as well. I want to play pick-up football instead.

I'm thinking, if I get those two days off, that 16 hours a week is enough for now. Considering I haven't worked much lately, I wouldn't want to overtax the system right away. Besides, after just three days on the job, I'm already feeling achy and in need of coffee. But that also might be related to going out at night, not sleeping well and constantly overstimulating my retinas and nasal orifices. Fish sauce - ugh!

Eventually, maybe I'll increase my workload. In fact, in one hour, I have another interview. My sole focus here, however, is not to work. I can occupy my time with a hundred other things for sure. But money would be nice. I do feel incredibly lucky though to have this option, this opportunity to just live simply and make a small difference in some people's lives. I'm sure they're making more of a difference in mine.

Most Vietnamese people I have met work 6-7 days a week. That to me is crazy. The grind. I cannot handle that. So, while I cheese out less than 20 hours a week and try to live the life, I am still aware of what could be. And how I've put myself as far away from that as possible with each advancing year. That's not to say that one day I will work hard at something. I will when it deserves my attention or when I absolutely have to, whichever comes first I suppose.

I've gotta go, this fish sauce is nauseating!

Teaching

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Actually, I don't recall thinking about my troubles yesterday. But I did think too much about teaching. I had my first "live" classes all to myself. They went ok. I'm just happy to be getting some real experience under my belt. And I hope, in the future, I won't spend all day procrastinating and fretting about how I'm going to perform in the bedroom. I mean classroom. Where is my mind these days? You know damn well where it is! It's always there.

So, I came home last night about 9:30pm after two 1.5 hour classes. Met the gang across the street from my hotel, stayed out too late, reviewed the material for this morning's lesson and went to bed at 1am. Woke up this morning at 6am after a night of tossing and turning and unnecessary anxiety over teaching young kids. But considering I had no idea how I was going to fill 2 hours with the material I had, some anxiety was warranted.

It turned out fine. These kids were cool and respectful, however dubious of my qualifications. They are legitimate qualifications - I just personally question how a four week course can make anyone a real teacher. Well, I suppose back in the "real world" or in my home country, I would not be a real teacher. But I am not there and therefore, this is unnecessary thinking. So in the meantime, I am slowly breaking new ground and experiencing the real world every single day as seen through my own eyes. Raw, live and unfiltered. With no airbrushing allowed.

Bubble tea

Does this look like bubble tea to you? I didn't think so. Where's the fat straw? Where are my gad-damn bubbles? Just because I asked for no milk, doesn't mean you should omit the tapioca pearls too. If I just wanted tea, I would have ordered tea you fuckstick!

Obviously it's my problem since this happened at the last place I ordered bubble tea as well. But you really shouldn't put this type of beverage in your "bubble tea" section. Am I out of line? You know, when I asked you about it, you could have easily resolved the situation by ripping open the top, dropping in some pearls and giving me a fat straw. Instead you sat there clueless. Thanks.

Dickweed

Ahh, remember those days? You butthole! Dickweed! Jerkface! Well, I've decided there's no need to reminisce. It's time to bring these words back into our vocabularies. I just passed this guy who seemed like a dickweed. Was basically printed on his forehead. The stupid look on his face when I walked by him said it all. I'm a dickweed. Of course, I could be judging, but it's fun to judge. This guy's not going to be damaged from my slander if I'm wrong so whatever.

It just feels good sometimes. You hear me? Remember in The Shawshank Redemption when the prison guard called someone a "fuckstick"? I don't know if that word ever had a hey day, but it should have. 'Twas a classic. And it should be brought back from the dead just like dickweed and assface. So, I ask you to consider your current lexicon of insulting words and phrases and consider these old goodies. And use them with abandon!

All out of love

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say I was so wrong

Air Supply, 1980
TJ & Tyler, 2008

Zoo porn

I went to the zoo the other day. A place I am normally not inclined to go. My opinion of such places has not changed, but at least it appeared that some animals were having fun and doing what they'd normally be doing in their natural habitat. The elephants definitely stole the show and this occurred within minutes of our arrival. Love was in the air.

Next, we saw the goats. There was a lot of activity going on with them as well. Now I know where the phrase "you horny old goat" comes from. At least I think that's a phrase I've heard before.

The hippos were just across the way. They are pretty ugly looking animals. I was previously unaware as to the extent of their disfigurement. This one hippo was getting washed. I'm pretty sure the zookeep missed a spot. Click the picture to see what I'm talking about. Or on second thought, don't.

We didn't see much else in the zoo. Only the birds and monkeys and then it started to rain. Well, I suppose I forgot about the cats and dogs.

It was just as well because after the orangutan exhibit, we were sufficiently depressed and ready to partake in more uplifting activities. These poor monkeys lived a solitary existence and seemingly couldn't engage in pleasures of the flesh. This female liked to flash passersby with the spread monkey pose. It was a bit much for my innocent eyes. Fortunately, the rain hastened our departure.

Wine, women & song

It's kind of sad really. I was just thinking of the moments that truly make me happy. And what did I come up with? Not much to be honest. Most of the time it revolves around wine, women & song. Aha! you say, I knew it. That's why Tyler isn't happy because he doesn't drink wine, he doesn't get any women and he can't sing! No, no and no. That's not what I'm saying.

Let me start from the beginning. If I was doing what I loved then I'm going to assume I'd be happier more often. Still haven't found it. That, at least, gives me something to look forward to. In the meantime, you know, I just have to do the little things that make me smile. Like saying crass jokes and muttering under my breath towards some unsuspecting yet likely deserving soul. I don't pick people arbitrarily. They must have deserved it.

Anyway, so I thought, what makes me tick? I know I rely on food an awful lot. It's an easy crutch to fall back on. Yum, that just made my day. That just turned my frown upside down. So, I eat. That can fall under the "wine" category since it's basically a form of intoxication at least when you consume in the amounts that I do on occasion.

And then there's the actual wine component to this triad of happiness. I don't drink too much, but when I do it's quite easy to be happy. At least in the beginning. Not much else seems to bring me straight into the present moment. To stop thinking about both the past and the future. To live in the now. And that's nice. And probably a good reason why people like to drink whether they think about it or not. Of course, if you drink alone, you're more likely to have the opposite effect. It'll take you out of the present and make you dwell on your past and your miserable future.

Let me skip the women for a moment and talk about "song." Most people like music. So do I. We all find comfort in the music we love and therefore it tends to bring happiness. This is not a long-lasting form of happiness for me, but it does put me in a positive mood. It comes in waves. I need a breather and then I can come back to it. I would say movies and books also fall under this category. I like them, they ease the tension in my day. Unless of course, they suck.

Finally, women. I have found, and this isn't necessarily a new observation, that if this planet was comprised solely of men, I would kill myself. What would be the purpose? I think that might be the only reason for me to take my own life. I haven't really considered the issue in much depth before. And I refuse to go further than this right now.

Maybe it's just because I am a single, lonely old man. Or because I haven't held anyone's hand in a while. I remember when I was a young lad and holding hands seemed like the greatest thing ever. Or maybe it's because I'm in an environment where it's impossible not to think about women. Impossible I tell you. Ok, maybe if you are a woman. I forgot about that.

Just the other day I went to a meeting with some Vietnamese businessmen. I was invited because this guy wants me to work for him. Why, I couldn't tell you. Anyway, there were about 18 dudes sitting around a table talking about who know's what. I mean, even if they were speaking English, what's the incentive to pay attention? Tell me that. There was no draw for me. Nobody with whom to flirt. My eyes and body began to shut down with nothing around to keep them stimulated.

I need there to be opportunity. If I'm in a relationship then no such opportunity needs to exist. But if you've been following any of this, I'm not in a relationship. If I am involved, I still need attention. I'm like a big baby. I still whine, I still crave attention, I throw tantrums, I suck my thumb and I still long to nurse at the bosom. But I am potty trained. That's a big plus.

Seriously though, will any of this ever change? Will I ever emancipate myself from the need of these things? Am I destined to live a life of questionable happiness through the bottle, the boombox and boom-boom? Sometimes it all just feels like a 24-hour roller coaster. With all the ups & downs, twists & turns, hands in the air, puking over the side, never really slowing down enough to figure out how to get off when you're starting to feel sick.

I really don't know what that means. It seemed like a good analogy at the time. My life isn't really a roller coaster. I'm not trapped in some vicious cycle of drinking, music and sex. I wish. Well, not really. If so, I'd probably have less of the "woe is me" mentality. And let me just say that I don't think I've got the short end of the stick. Or that I'm stuck in the deep end. Or I'm up the river without a paddle. I am lucky. I am grateful. I am fortunate.

I am perhaps just a little frustrated for not having figured out some alternate means of finding happiness. I am working on that. And even though there is no set plan, I am flowing down the river with my heart at the helm. Ok, I went a bit overboard there. But I'm trying to enjoy myself in the present as much as possible. With each passing day brings more stability, more clarity and more comfort. I think real happiness is being obscured by the clouds and in time, they will part and the sun will shine down upon me. Just wait. But you can't wait passively. You must play an active role on the stage of life. Ok, so get off your ass man!

Running in the park

I had just finished a run in the park. This girl began talking to me. I was pouring with sweat and stretching. She was walking around the park. I am a little wary of meeting people in this manner since I've heard some things even though I couldn't tell you exactly what those things are.

It didn't matter, it was an innocent exchange and there were no intentions on my part. But the conversation kept going as I continued to wipe the sweat from my brow. Eventually, I finished stretching and it was time to go. She asked for my email address. No harm in that I thought. Much better than a phone number. So off I went into the night.

Later that same evening, I received an email. There were four attachments. Nothing pornographic - just four random shot of this girl. I want to attach them here because they are funny, but I also want to preserve her anonymity. Not that she would ever see this, but still. I like to think she's completely innocent, however I have a feeling this might be a template that has been used before. This is what it said:

Tyler Dear!
I am Vĩnh. My name mean be "forever". Do you feel that it
is a very nice name. Ah. Do you remember me? I and you
have ever met in the 23/9 park of Ho Chi Minh city on
today afternoon.
Risus friend is very beautiful.
I spoke english very bad therefore i didn't tell to you so
much. it is sorry!
I want know deeply about you.
Tell me more about yourself?
I  am with a lot of personality, joyful,friendly,
enthusiastic and Accommodating.
I like to listen to music English more than the song
"Nothing gonna change my love for you", travel, shopping…
I am a student, University of natural science faculty
information technology.
I  have to study every day, because  I have a final exam
in July and October.
I wish you always be a cheerful and successful person.
See you next time again.
This pictures myself.
Keep in touch and send me some interesting pictures.
NICKNAME OF MINE: Silly Duck!

Hear me roar

Ahhh! You ever just want to scream? Yes, we all do at times. I think maybe people think I want to scream more often than others. That may indeed be the case, but in case that is the case, let me inform you I am not just one gigantic, bitter asshole. No. I am two gigantic, bitter assholes!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, let me explain. I rant. And I rant a lot. And I tend to swear a lot. I was going to keep this post clean for a change, but look what's happened already. Anyway, people may come to the conclusion that I am one unsatisfied individual. Maybe. Or that I'm just unable to find happiness in anything. Wrong. Or that I need to get laid. Right. Or that I am just pissed off all the time. You name it.

Well, I'm not pissed off all the time. Let me just get that off my chest. That just pisses me off to think that you think I'm pissed. Ok? I mean, maybe I am pissed off 99% of the time, but don't forget about that 1% of pure bliss. Seriously though, many of my postings are pissy, I understand that. But understand this, writing is venting. It's the act of putting it out there, unleashing the fire from within and taking a step back to a stable mental self. Oh you say? Maybe I need to write more?

I don't want to write about happy times. So I don't. Very rarely. So don't conclude from that, that I am unhappy. Because you would be wrong. And I hope you are happy to know that. You see, good times are good times. They don't need to be regurgitated for you to enjoy. I'm sure you're capable of having your own good times. I mainly like to write and whine about things. This keeps me sane. It takes away some of the bitterness. It enables me to get it out, which we all need to do and we do in a variety of ways. I'm done now. So there.

Elephants

Everyone is interested in elephants. The evidence is in the numbers. My Youtube video entitled "Huge elephant penis" has over 5,600 views. So based on numbers alone, I figure if I put a picture of an elephant penis on my blog, it will fire up the hit counter. And it won't just be me refreshing the page. I don't really have a hit counter. I like to pretend. You see, if I knew the number of hits on my blog, I'd quickly realize that the majority of them were from me. So, it's better not to know and just wonder who's really out there. Bueller?

Can you please stop staring at the penis pictured above? Listen up. I know it's easy to get depressed at how under-endowed you are, but I think it's safe to say we're all in that same boat. Good thing too unless you are into beastiality. And I really hope I don't know anyone who is. So, stop sizing yourself up and know that you can make it up with personality and endurance and things like that. Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

So, anyway, I'm talking about elephants. But not really. I'm just saying that you'll probably read all this bullshit just because of the penis that caught your attention in the first place. Why? Because you think I have something important to say about big penises? Of course I don't. Well, what on earth am I rambling on about? Good question. The answer is I don't know. I don't have much to say, but I want to write so here I am. Thanks for listening.

Inside Tyler's head

Tuesday February 5, 2008
I have got to start figuring out what I want. And not just an iPod or a woman or new shorts. Fuck, I need to have something, a skill, a passion, something to help describe the person I am. Cause who the fuck am I? What do I do? I travel. I eat sugar. I like to write (and bitch and complain). I like to try and be funny. I don't feel this need to be someone any more. Would be cool, but here, having people stare at you all day, is plenty of fame. I just want to be enough for me and whoever I end up with. But what is enough?

Friday February 29, 2008
10 past 9pm. I need to stop thinking about the future. It makes me sad. I don't know why exactly. By making a choice you always choose to give up other opportunities. I think I need to give it a go abroad, specifically here in Vietnam. Why the fuck not? It would take some adjusting as any new city would, but it wouldn't have to be forever.

Tuesday March 4, 2008
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon...what am I going to do with you? I need to do something soon, but I also need to stop stressing, stay positive and keep talking to people. It's all good.

Fuck I am confused. Most certainly confused. At a loss for what to do. Dinner tonight with Sal was good to get shit out, but I have no better idea of what's going to happen. That's the fun I guess.

The girls here are going to be harder to get to know than I initially anticipated. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but still. What do I want!? I hate the fucking question, but knowing it would be the key to life. I am just a traveling bum. Change that if you want. You can.

Friday March 7, 2008
Good Lord you tool, make a fucking decision soon about your life! What the God damn fucking hell do I want? Saigon is nice, but it is getting HOT. ... Do I want to really stay here? Am I capable of really learning this language? ... THIS IS FUCKING AGONIZING FOR ME.

...I know I like the prospect of living overseas, but really am I capable of this? You never know unless you try, yes very true, but I am fearful as always of making a poor decision. Better a poor decision than indecision - the god-damn story of my life.

...Today sucks balls. It is near 5pm and I am just wasting away here. Feeling really self-conscious especially in this neighborhood. As soon as I even return someone's smile and try to pursue it, the person runs away. I understand that, but wish the pleasantry wasn't even there to begin with if it wasn't meant to be pursued. Whatever.

I am sad. Put it bluntly. I really need some female company. And some direction, but that should come by continuing to overturn stones, and right now I have stalled on that and therefore my direction is no clearer than it was a few days ago to a week ago. I just toss & turn, wax & wane and fret back & forth all fucking day killing time doing I couldn't tell you what!

Sunday March 9, 2008
I just don't know if I can live here. I think I would need to find a girlfriend to keep me situated and content, otherwise these pangs of loneliness and isolation would hurt me too much. Sure I'd have friends, but would I ever fit in?

...I do feel this emptiness, this void inside me. I am feeling the need to move. Is it me just being afraid? Or is it time? ... I mean do I really think this is a good place for me? Sure the food is good, the women are pretty and the culture is appealing right now, but can I adapt? Do I give myself the time to see if I can adapt? Man this is tough. I know my tendency right now would be to pick up and run, but is it out of fear?

...But back "home" in Portland, what do I do? Fuck man, be an electrician? Whole Foods? As an intermediate step? Go back to school, for what? Move to Seattle for a change, for diversity?

...I am so intensely aware that I need some companionship! I have been for years now. Am I really open to it? BE OPEN. I am only getting older and lonelier. I don't want to wait forever. Shit, I don't want to wait another year! Let's take some action!

Vietnam "bad" mood

Monday February 4, 2008
I am a slacker and an indecisive mofo. That I already know, but seriously do I need to try on five pairs of shorts, twice each pair, only to decide I don't want them? Ahhh! Things have to be perfect or else I lament my decision for days. And then they didn't have my size in the baby blue "Crocs" so I opted not to buy those either. So I am relegated to wearing my degrading "birkenstocks" or my stinky flip flops until I find another bargain down the road.

I need to post a journal blog. To do that I think I need to sit roadside, pondering the meaning of life, with a big beer and a snack. But I'd like to take a day off from beer so it'll have to wait. I think maybe I need a prostitute instead and a couple viagra pills.

Tuesday February 5, 2008
6pm on a Tuesday. I am way sugared out yet I keep eating it. Pastries, sweet coffee, candies at the market, sweetened dried sweet potato and on and on and on. My face is about to explode into one big greasy pimple and my teeth are drowning in a pool of sugary saliva. Enough fuck face - eat some fruit and maybe a sweetened beverage and go savory from now on...

There is so much hustle & bustle around here, mostly bustle, that it gets to me after a while. The noise in general is just way too much all the time. I wake up at 6am to horns blaring, roosters or people yelling. It is definitely a different world. I can't handle the constant chatter of various travel companions either. Enough!

I am so impatient, but I don't know how to control that. I am also so weary at the moment and feel gross after having consumed so much sugar. I just want some peace & quiet, but that is NOT going to happen, not today or the next day or for the rest of the month.

Wednesday February 6, 2008
There are a lot of cute Vietnamese girls. And nice people in general. So far, I dig Vietnam. My problem likes with my traveling companion. He talks way to much and is basically a douche bag. I have had breaking points today and I am surprised I did not completely snap. Just a fucking tool. I really hope we can part ways soon or at least add someone else to the mix to act as a buffer...

...I don't know how to tell this guy to fuck off. Fortunately tomorrow we are meeting late in the day, if at all because if I meet anyone else worthy of companionship, I will quickly change teams.

Tomorrow I just feel like reading and Interneting and having some quiet time. This guy has really done my head in and I want to tell him to Shut. The. Fuck. Up!

Thursday February 7, 2008
Oh my fucking God I want to scream and bash the fucking wall. My legs are tired from walking all over this shit hole of a place and I know I am exaggerating my hatred and overall annoyance because it always builds up to an uncontrollable rage and then I almost explode. Or cry. Ahh!

...This place screams of cheese balls. This guy lounging near me is one of them. All greased up and sprawled on his chair. I will ignore - it is the best for me and my judgmental ways. I am in the shade fortunately, have some books to read and a lot of time to kill.

...Almost 10:30pm and I am getting sleepy. I think I will be leaving tomorrow. There are hot springs in town, but I don't think they sound worthy of another evening here. And I have opted to not take another boat trip. I will forgo the snorkeling for now. Clown boy, Lukas, is also leaving tomorrow, which is great news. Fortunately he is headed elsewhere. Freedom. Free at last.

Sunday February 10, 2008
Almost 4pm. Enough time spent on the computer with Internet Explorer continually crashing in the middle of an upload and with the VN dude to my left continually turning around and yelling in my ear. It would be hard I think to be the lone foreigner in a place like this after a while. For the most part, people are very nice, but it just takes one person to lose the self-confidence and be brought down. For me anyway. Must be like being a celebrity to some degree - would get tiring.

Almost 11pm. Yeah, I just want to sleep and wake up and get out of Dodge. I've had enough of Barbara and the over-fed Canadian who rambles on about nothing. I really feel like a big whiner all the time - I wonder if I'm just too old for all this?

Thursday February 14, 2008
Nearly 5pm now and the beeping continues. It truly is neverending. I could let it get to me, well I do, but there is nothing I can do about it, but accept it as a fact of life here in Asia. Crazy to put that to writing. I am in Asia. It is a small world. You can go and see anyplace in the world.

Today has been a shit day. I can't stand these guys trying to sell me tours. I know they are just doing their job, but it is truly fucking annoying. I am getting better at walking on, but I think I need to learn the art of ignoring people. They are relentless. So friendly, so curious and you know there is this underlying hope to befriend you and take your money. I will not part with mine that easy. It is difficult to be rude to these people because they are generally so nice, but there are some persistent assholes.

Sunday February 17, 2008
Oh my goodness it is fucking cold here in this part of Vietnam. We are sleeping on the boat tonight and I'm guessing it must be 50 degrees in our room and colder outside. My feet feel colder than everything. It's crazy compared to all else I have experienced on this trip, but it will make me really appreciate the warmth of the south when I return.

Friday February 22, 2008
8:25pm and we are squeaking down the tracks. It felt good to urinate on them as well a few minutes ago. Fuck you train! Take that! We have a 4 person cabin by ourselves, which is nice, but no free waters like last time and I refuse to pay 10,000 vnd for a small water. I'd rather be angry. I'm actually not angry just a bit dry in the mouth and only slightly annoyed that we are in the ghetto train compartment that doesn't have the fake wood paneling and "Tiffany" lamp and free waters. But we don't have any people occupying the upper bunks, which I suppose is preferable.

...Sapa was great. I may return one day. Now we venture back to Hanoi for more motos, more bia hoi and more, "Oh my God, I hate the noise, leave me alone, don't run me over, get me the fuck out of here right now!" Actually I'm just bitter - I want my girl, my love and I want to spoon.

Thursday February 28, 2008
Fucking A, what a day. A shit day overall really. This Mekong tour has really been a bust except for the homestay last night. Way too much traveling in buses and boats and a way too annoying tour guide.

Today we saw a rice paper making "factory", supposedly we saw a rice vermicelli factory, we went by the floating markets, saw 2 people pissing in the Mekong, numerous people throwing trash into the Mekong and many many many boats emitting a ton of exhaust and noise onto the Mekong. We also unfortunately saw a crocodile farm, which also happened to have some bears, a cobra, some fish and some birds and then we climbed Sam Mountain, which amounted to climbing some steps to a temple. The hotel in Chau Doc is ok and the town seems ok too, but we won't get to see much of it cause we are leaving at 6am. To where I don't have a fucking clue.

Vietnam "good" mood

Saturday February 2, 2008
Day One in Saigon, hell yeah. Only been here 3 hours on one street and I already like VN. We found a cool G.H. for $8 a room in the midst of the backpacker district when everything else seemed to be full. Nice people here. Cheap Internet and seemingly cheap food. I haven't eaten anything since 7am and it's 4:30pm now. I am eating at 6pm with this 18yo Canadian guy and this German girl and New Zealand girl, both I believe in their 20's. I can't wait because my stomach is feeling it.

I have already been offered a happy massage for $10, another woman smiled and grabbed my arm and the vibes are initially good. I can't wait to park it, have a few beers and eat some good food. The shops are incredibly cheap.

Monday February 4, 2008
I love the neighborhood I am in. Lady serving fruit right outside the front door. Chunks of pineapple, papaya, watermelon and other kinds I don't recognize. I should really branch out. Then there is the iced coffee lady a few stores down. That stuff is strong. So many cheap restaurants around. Now I am in an Italian-themed place awaiting another coffee and an omelet before I pack my bags and hopefully do a bit of shopping before hopping on my bus.

Fuck me a 2nd time. 11:30am now and I am on a phat bus. This is fancy, the bee's knees, super fly, special K, I am riding in style. Super amount of leg room, reclining cush chair and real elbow room. I love it and hopefully this 7 hour journey will be easy. Sucks to be arriving at night, but it was the only option.

Sunday February 10, 2008
Everyone in this town seems really friendly. Most people say hello, some stare, some giggle and look away. The down syndrome girl was in a hugging and pickpocketing mood. It is strange to be gawked at so much.

Wednesday Febrauary 20, 2008
Then the women in the market, so many so beautiful, who highball you so much, you feel so incredibly guilty offering them what you'd actually pay and then when they feign disgust it seems so real and I feel so bad that I don't want to play that game, but I do because they haven't yet flipped the game over and sulked away. Eventually I either win or lose and as per usual, they still look as though I took them or was trying to take them for a ride. I still love them.

And then in the actual shop where prices were set so low I thought they were losing money and there was no way you could actually bargain without feeling like the biggest cheapskate on the planet. So I flirted with the Vietnamese girl there and tried on hats and wished upon another star that I could take one of these girls home and have a cuddle or two under a hot, sweaty comforter in a cold room.

Saturday, February 23, 2008
Quarter til 7pm on Saturday February 23rd. It is hard to believe I have been in Vietnam for three weeks. Time flies no matter what you are doing even if the experiences are more numerous and diverse. I have definitely had more experiences in the past few months and it is getting more difficult to envision going home. For what? The most difficult thing is not seeing the family, but I don't see what a year would do. I'd be afraid of breaking the momentum of travel by returning home. Getting stuck in old routines. I shouldn't worry really. Just go back when it feels right or not so ideal, when the money runs out.

Monday February 25, 2008
Fucking A! About 3pm and I am back in Saigon. Back alone at least til 6pm when I meet up with Alex. The morning was good, an easy taxi to the airport, goodbye to Danielle, time reading while waiting, an emergency row seat with super leg room, quick flight, moto to the city, sweltering heat, quick find a cheap hotel, oh there's some papaya. Oh look at these women. I need to change clothes - not cause of the women, but the heat. Shirt, trousers, socks, everything clingy, need to go out and soak in the heat, rehydrate with water not beer, smile smile smile, recharge the batteries.

Tuesday February 26, 2008
Digging this place even more. Day by day it just seems to be getting better. Iced coffee. Delicious. 30 cents. The sweetness of fresh pineapple & papaya. 30 cents. A large bottled water. 30 cents. Calls made to home for less than 10 cents a minute. Internet is fast and cheap. Tours are cheap. 3 days in the Mekong, private hotel one night and a homestay the other night for $31. Wow. Everywhere people are friendly, yes because they want your money but also because they are friendly. I'd rather spend a little because the extra smile, the extra friendliness goes a long way.

Wednesday February 27, 2008
I am at my homestay on the Mekong under the mosquito net with my flashlight. The tv is on and this experience has gotten a hell of a lot better in the last few hours. Overall, the whole tour has been lame so far. A lot of buses and boats and cheesy touristy stuff. Way too many tourists. There is a couple from Switzerland and a couple from Canada that are both nice and this Vietnamese family is really nice too. This I suppose is their livelihood. We had an additional 30 minute boat ride after we dropped off the majority of folks at the hotel and the boat in the dark with 2 tiny cute girls making faces at me and hitting me on the head with my empty water bottle was a lot of fun. I really like interacting with the locals now.

Certification

Damn, just like that. Four weeks are over. Kind of like college. You blink an eye and it's over. Same, same. But different. Now I am certified to teach English as a foreign language. Scary. Another month has gone by in Vietnam. This one flew by. It was a good one too. A transitional month. From the hot season to the hot rainy season. And from being a transient bum to someone actually trying to make a go of it.
These were two of our instructors. They taught us how to teach English to foreigners. Not how to speak English. Fortunately for that. It was an interesting four week course. There were three holidays over that period. The material we missed was "made up" over the other lessons. Yeah. And I eat shit for breakfast. Well, actually, quite often I have papaya to start my day. Funny enough, its pronounced "doo doo" in Vietnamese. Damn, I wasn't even trying to be funny this time.

Commuting

At some point or another, I was going to talk about driving a motorbike. Driving in the madness that is Vietnam. About becoming a part of the madness. And about how it feels a little less mad once you're in it. Now, on the rare occasion when I'm using my legs to transport the rest of my body, my view from the sidelines has changed as well. It is not as crazy as it once seemed. If you surround yourself with crazy people for long enough they'll eventually seem normal. We adapt and assume a new state of normalcy. I think that is what happened.

Riding a motorbike is a lot of fun. Everytime I venture forth on two motorized wheels I am energized. You kind of have to be otherwise you could be at everyone else's mercy. And you kind of want some control. It's like being on high alert at all times. High terror alert. Flashing red. Keep your eyes open. Those in the back of your head as well. It's the only way really because there are a lot of stupid drivers. A LOT. I don't think there is a driving test over here. You have money for a motorbike? Here are your keys. Enjoy the ride.

The only time driving becomes a chore is during rush hour. Then you have to be even more on the ball. And you have to breathe a lot more exhaust waiting at every traffic light. Or you could wear a face mask and feel the sweat accumulate underneath while you slowly fog up your glasses. The choice is yours. I don't wear a face mask.

Rush hour is also less fun because of my bike's tendency to stall in the lower gears. I don't like having to keep a little pressure on the throttle just to prevent that from happening. But I really don't like hearing my engine die once everyone starts taking off from the line. And quickly trying to drop it back to neutral to fire up the engine again while everyone honks and swerves around me. Damn foreigner!

But as bad as rush hour gets around here, it could always be a hell of a lot worse. I recently had the pleasure of viewing this video of rush hour in Japan. You may have seen it too as it has over 500,000 views. Makes any commute seem like a breeze in comparison. However, being on a train, at least you'll get to your destination quickly. As opposed to sitting in your car for hours clenching your teeth desperately needing that beer at the end of the day. I really don't know which is worse.

Mirror man

There are a lot of niche jobs here in Vietnam if you look for them. This guy exclusively sold mirrors for motorbikes. Considering there are supposedly more than five million motorbikes in this fine city alone, I would imagine that he is doing ok. But that's like assuming the lady selling mangoes is doing quite well for herself just because there are a lot of mouthes to feed. So, I take that back.

I hope the motorbike mirror man makes mucho money. I'm working on my alliteration. I don't think it's illegal to not have mirrors so I'm guessing the guy uses this "business" as a front for his opium dealership. That's the game some of the women who sell cigarettes play. You don't want cigarettes? How 'bout some marijuana? Opium? Cocaine? Boom-boom? C'mon man, everyone wants something. What'll it be?

Rant

Go to bed Tyler. Seriously. This is my first opportunity to lay my head down to rest before 10pm in a long time. Well, I've had opportunites, I just haven't taken advantage of them. I am so tired, I am typing this with my eyes closed. I still can't manage to use my brain even when it's screaming at me to GO TO BED!

Please, can anyone tell me how this new laptop of mine seems to have a mind of its own? How the hell can it adjust the volume by itself? How dare you. I turn it up. It turns it down. I turn it up. It turns it down. It's going down right now. And now it's silent again. I am going to murder someone. Damn you!

I am a little hot-headed at times. Like today for example. Lacking sleep and still stuffed from a pack of Oreos last night, I was not in a good mood. Tired, bloated, ailing, irritable, cranky, smelly, sore, sleepy and sexually frustrated, I went about my day like an unexploded landmine. The slightest movement in the wrong direction could have set me off. Fortunately, people stayed on the trail.

Like I said, I'm tired. And now it's 10 o'clock. And I have no real excuse for blogging right now other than to bitch. And nobody likes to listen to anyone whine. Unless maybe there was some free cheese. And I promise you there isn't. And I've just started too many sentences with the word and. They tell you not to do that. And with that, I'm really going to bed now.

The big test

We are in our fourth and final week of our TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course. We will soon be qualified teachers. Look out. Today was the big exam. We had a lesson to prepare and we had to study. This is more studying I've done in nearly nine years.

Not that I'm studying. I still procrastinate until the last minute and stress about nothing. It always seems like nothing in retrospect. After my lesson was "planned" last night, it was time for a study break. After one beer, I was peer pressured into a second and my night was shot. So much for putting my mind at ease about the test.

Fortunately, I gave the first lesson this morning. Then I studied. Phonology is so much fun. And I passed the exam with flying colors. Well, I passed. I don't know if there were colors or if they were flying. What the hell does that mean anyway?

Everyone in the class passed the test. Apparently nobody has ever failed. If you do, you are given a second chance. With the same exam. They don't want you to fail. I don't think they want to have any angry customers. So pass 'em and let the poor school that hires 'em, fire 'em.

Music

We all know how important it is to hear the music that moves us. That puts us back where we want to be. I haven't had my music for about five months and it was beginning to take its toll. Made that up. But I would have certainly liked to hear Mason Jennings or Sean Hayes or some other familiar voice crooning in my ear at various times during this journey. The best I could do was pull them up on Myspace and hope the connection was fast enough and that the headphones were decent enough.

Last night was the final straw. I went to a bar I was not inclined to go to and saw some live music. The Filipino cover band was shockingly good. And so were the waitresses in their belly shirts, but that's another story. There was hardly a hint of any accent and they brought me back. To the 80's, 90's and the present. I don't know if it's just because I've been subjected to too much karoake over the past few months or if they were actually as good as I thought. Maybe it was because I was drinking. Regardless, it made me want to feel good more often and one way to do that is to get my hands on some familiar, comforting music.

There are a lot of counterfeit goods here in Asia. If you want something, but can't afford it, don't worry! More than likely, if you look, you will find the illegitimate twin of the product you initially wanted. Nike, Crocs, North Face, Polo shirts, Lacoste shirts, beauty products, photocopied books, iPods, phones, motorbikes and naturally cds and dvds. Oh, piracy is a good thing sometimes. I mean if you think about it, anyone who has been pirated has probably already made it big time. And think of all the potential new exposure to people who could have never afforded to buy the real thing in the first place.

I had no idea what kind of music was available until I just looked. Naturally. There has been no need to buy cds until now. But I was pleasantly surprised. Tons of cds for 10,000 dong a piece. That's 62.5 cents! And dvds are a whopping 13,000 dong, which amounts to 81.25 cents. Cheaper than a rental.

I started off with three cds: Jack Johnson, Elliott Smith and the Arctic Monkeys. I can't say I'm too impressed with my choices, but they are a nicer alternative to the music samples that came with this computer. And I can't say I'm impressed with the way this post is turning out. I'm done. I have nothing more to say other than I'm sorry. I've let you down.

Fear and Loathing

Just finished Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and I have a new take on religion. All hail the Great Magnet! On page 105 in Chapter 12, Part One, Hunter S. Thompson writes, "Well, I thought. This is how the world works. All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. What a fool I was to defy him." Urban Dictionary states that the Great Magnet is a mystical entity known to control all energy. Attempting to oppose the whim of the great magnet is never a good idea. Just envision a giant magnet directing the ebb and flow of life. It's way better than fighting over religions. Mine is better! No, mine! Die, heathen! Whatever, live and let live...

Measurements part II

Originally, a long time ago, I thought if I made it this far in my travels, I might be somewhere in India at this point in time. Or maybe leaving India on an overland adventure to France. I figured I would have done a 10-day meditation retreat somewhere in India, gotten dysentery somewhere else in India and eaten an awful lot of curries throughout India as well. And so I imagined myself having shed a lot of weight and coming home looking a lot like I did in high school. Like a skinny motherfucker.

Some might question my need to use inappropriate language. To that, I say fuck off. But seriously, does it really matter? It is really offensive or is an alternative method to describe the matter at hand? A skinny beanpole just doesn't have the same ring to it. Back to what I was saying...

My plans for India got backburnered in Vietnam. The Indian restaurants will have to do for now. I didn't have the energy to keep going all the time and settling in seemed like a great idea. To stop moving about every few days. To have a purpose. A mission. To meet people that I might actually see again. To know that the language I am slowly learning will still be the primary means of communication in another week's time. Fortunately, I liked Vietnam. So, settling in did not sound like a bad idea at all.

It has been nearly five months and I just recently weighed myself for the first time. I hadn't seen a scale for that long. Not that I was looking. Well, there is one scale, like the one at your proctologist's office, that someone pushes around at night that sings and presumably only intoxicated people stand on. I didn't really want to pay a dollar or whatever it might have been to find out something I didn't care to know anyway.

But then I was told about the pharmacies. They all have scales. For free. Who would have thought? Pharmacies are abundant so I found my local Walgreens and stepped on for my free reading. I weighed in at 84kg, approximately twice the size of your average Vietnamese woman. And about half the size of your average female Western tourist. I am doing alright.

I have actually lost some weight, but not to the degree I thought. That is because I have yet to eat street food laden with feces. Or maybe I have, but the strength of my intestinal flora was too much for the offending bacteria. My goal was not actually to lose weight, I just figured I would. I think I am skinny enough. Which is funny since I am quite large compared to those around me. Well, except for the aforementioned Westerners.

My t-shirt size is now an XXL or XXXL. That is up from the size L traditionally worn by yours truly. In underwears, my usual size is a medium. Here, I tried XXL and they rode so far up my crack I had to use hot soapy water to get them out. I refuse to try XXXL just in case they don't fit either. That would be embarassing.

Housekeeping

I'm in my new hotel enjoying the quiet air conditioner and the breeze provided by my very own oscillating fan. It is a large room, my bed has pink flowery sheets and I have a non-functioning television and refrigerator. It is on the fifth floor and still receives too much street noise. And so, I still sleep with earplugs. It is ok, I can't complain too much. But you know I'm going to anyway.

It's not really a big deal, but it's on my mind and therefore, it must be released. I don't need a lot of attention, well I lied, I do, but I should say my room does not. You don't need to fix the bed, rearrange the furniture, fold my clothes or put a mint on my pillow. Just give me a clean towel, some toilet paper and take out the trash. For your information, the trash means used toilet paper. Please, take that shit out.

You could also sweep every once in a while and keep things dust free, but those kinds of things should really be done prior to my occupancy. I'm really not that picky. I just don't like someone else's hair clogging the shower drain. I also don't like it when I come home at night and my fan has disappeared. Thanks buddy. And I really don't like bumping the bathroom mirror and having an open tube of genital and labial herpes cream fall into my toiletry kit.

My last hotel's housekeeping was just the opposite. I had fresh soap, toilet paper, fluffy white towels and folded bedsheets. It's the extra little things that actually started to irk me. Pairing up my shoes, stacking up my books, folding my clothes. Do you have to touch everything? I came home one day and found my dirty laundry folded nicely and placed in a bag. Apparently it was all too much to bear sitting in a pile on the floor.

I don't really like anyone touching my dirty underwear. Just a personal preference. That does not mean I have to do my own laundry. I can overlook that. But seriously, if you don't have to, why would you touch someone's dirty drawers? Not that I'm saying mine are dirty of course. And please, stop envisioning me in my underwear.

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the least offending and 10 being the most offending, I'd say dirty underwear would be a 10. What could top that? Then you have dirty socks below that and then maybe shirts and shorts and trousers coming in towards the bottom. The whole thing kind of freaks me out. Makes me think the offending housekeeper might have a fetish with worn underwear. I envision this person taking a long inhalation and prancing around the room with them over their head. Get that imagery out of my head.

Happy Birthday Ashley

thinking about you...

Juicy Box

What a name. Pure marketing genius. I haven't been here yet, but I will venture forth one day and see what they have to offer.