Wine, women & song

It's kind of sad really. I was just thinking of the moments that truly make me happy. And what did I come up with? Not much to be honest. Most of the time it revolves around wine, women & song. Aha! you say, I knew it. That's why Tyler isn't happy because he doesn't drink wine, he doesn't get any women and he can't sing! No, no and no. That's not what I'm saying.

Let me start from the beginning. If I was doing what I loved then I'm going to assume I'd be happier more often. Still haven't found it. That, at least, gives me something to look forward to. In the meantime, you know, I just have to do the little things that make me smile. Like saying crass jokes and muttering under my breath towards some unsuspecting yet likely deserving soul. I don't pick people arbitrarily. They must have deserved it.

Anyway, so I thought, what makes me tick? I know I rely on food an awful lot. It's an easy crutch to fall back on. Yum, that just made my day. That just turned my frown upside down. So, I eat. That can fall under the "wine" category since it's basically a form of intoxication at least when you consume in the amounts that I do on occasion.

And then there's the actual wine component to this triad of happiness. I don't drink too much, but when I do it's quite easy to be happy. At least in the beginning. Not much else seems to bring me straight into the present moment. To stop thinking about both the past and the future. To live in the now. And that's nice. And probably a good reason why people like to drink whether they think about it or not. Of course, if you drink alone, you're more likely to have the opposite effect. It'll take you out of the present and make you dwell on your past and your miserable future.

Let me skip the women for a moment and talk about "song." Most people like music. So do I. We all find comfort in the music we love and therefore it tends to bring happiness. This is not a long-lasting form of happiness for me, but it does put me in a positive mood. It comes in waves. I need a breather and then I can come back to it. I would say movies and books also fall under this category. I like them, they ease the tension in my day. Unless of course, they suck.

Finally, women. I have found, and this isn't necessarily a new observation, that if this planet was comprised solely of men, I would kill myself. What would be the purpose? I think that might be the only reason for me to take my own life. I haven't really considered the issue in much depth before. And I refuse to go further than this right now.

Maybe it's just because I am a single, lonely old man. Or because I haven't held anyone's hand in a while. I remember when I was a young lad and holding hands seemed like the greatest thing ever. Or maybe it's because I'm in an environment where it's impossible not to think about women. Impossible I tell you. Ok, maybe if you are a woman. I forgot about that.

Just the other day I went to a meeting with some Vietnamese businessmen. I was invited because this guy wants me to work for him. Why, I couldn't tell you. Anyway, there were about 18 dudes sitting around a table talking about who know's what. I mean, even if they were speaking English, what's the incentive to pay attention? Tell me that. There was no draw for me. Nobody with whom to flirt. My eyes and body began to shut down with nothing around to keep them stimulated.

I need there to be opportunity. If I'm in a relationship then no such opportunity needs to exist. But if you've been following any of this, I'm not in a relationship. If I am involved, I still need attention. I'm like a big baby. I still whine, I still crave attention, I throw tantrums, I suck my thumb and I still long to nurse at the bosom. But I am potty trained. That's a big plus.

Seriously though, will any of this ever change? Will I ever emancipate myself from the need of these things? Am I destined to live a life of questionable happiness through the bottle, the boombox and boom-boom? Sometimes it all just feels like a 24-hour roller coaster. With all the ups & downs, twists & turns, hands in the air, puking over the side, never really slowing down enough to figure out how to get off when you're starting to feel sick.

I really don't know what that means. It seemed like a good analogy at the time. My life isn't really a roller coaster. I'm not trapped in some vicious cycle of drinking, music and sex. I wish. Well, not really. If so, I'd probably have less of the "woe is me" mentality. And let me just say that I don't think I've got the short end of the stick. Or that I'm stuck in the deep end. Or I'm up the river without a paddle. I am lucky. I am grateful. I am fortunate.

I am perhaps just a little frustrated for not having figured out some alternate means of finding happiness. I am working on that. And even though there is no set plan, I am flowing down the river with my heart at the helm. Ok, I went a bit overboard there. But I'm trying to enjoy myself in the present as much as possible. With each passing day brings more stability, more clarity and more comfort. I think real happiness is being obscured by the clouds and in time, they will part and the sun will shine down upon me. Just wait. But you can't wait passively. You must play an active role on the stage of life. Ok, so get off your ass man!