Inside Tyler's head

Tuesday February 5, 2008
I have got to start figuring out what I want. And not just an iPod or a woman or new shorts. Fuck, I need to have something, a skill, a passion, something to help describe the person I am. Cause who the fuck am I? What do I do? I travel. I eat sugar. I like to write (and bitch and complain). I like to try and be funny. I don't feel this need to be someone any more. Would be cool, but here, having people stare at you all day, is plenty of fame. I just want to be enough for me and whoever I end up with. But what is enough?

Friday February 29, 2008
10 past 9pm. I need to stop thinking about the future. It makes me sad. I don't know why exactly. By making a choice you always choose to give up other opportunities. I think I need to give it a go abroad, specifically here in Vietnam. Why the fuck not? It would take some adjusting as any new city would, but it wouldn't have to be forever.

Tuesday March 4, 2008
Saigon, Saigon, Saigon...what am I going to do with you? I need to do something soon, but I also need to stop stressing, stay positive and keep talking to people. It's all good.

Fuck I am confused. Most certainly confused. At a loss for what to do. Dinner tonight with Sal was good to get shit out, but I have no better idea of what's going to happen. That's the fun I guess.

The girls here are going to be harder to get to know than I initially anticipated. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but still. What do I want!? I hate the fucking question, but knowing it would be the key to life. I am just a traveling bum. Change that if you want. You can.

Friday March 7, 2008
Good Lord you tool, make a fucking decision soon about your life! What the God damn fucking hell do I want? Saigon is nice, but it is getting HOT. ... Do I want to really stay here? Am I capable of really learning this language? ... THIS IS FUCKING AGONIZING FOR ME.

...I know I like the prospect of living overseas, but really am I capable of this? You never know unless you try, yes very true, but I am fearful as always of making a poor decision. Better a poor decision than indecision - the god-damn story of my life.

...Today sucks balls. It is near 5pm and I am just wasting away here. Feeling really self-conscious especially in this neighborhood. As soon as I even return someone's smile and try to pursue it, the person runs away. I understand that, but wish the pleasantry wasn't even there to begin with if it wasn't meant to be pursued. Whatever.

I am sad. Put it bluntly. I really need some female company. And some direction, but that should come by continuing to overturn stones, and right now I have stalled on that and therefore my direction is no clearer than it was a few days ago to a week ago. I just toss & turn, wax & wane and fret back & forth all fucking day killing time doing I couldn't tell you what!

Sunday March 9, 2008
I just don't know if I can live here. I think I would need to find a girlfriend to keep me situated and content, otherwise these pangs of loneliness and isolation would hurt me too much. Sure I'd have friends, but would I ever fit in?

...I do feel this emptiness, this void inside me. I am feeling the need to move. Is it me just being afraid? Or is it time? ... I mean do I really think this is a good place for me? Sure the food is good, the women are pretty and the culture is appealing right now, but can I adapt? Do I give myself the time to see if I can adapt? Man this is tough. I know my tendency right now would be to pick up and run, but is it out of fear?

...But back "home" in Portland, what do I do? Fuck man, be an electrician? Whole Foods? As an intermediate step? Go back to school, for what? Move to Seattle for a change, for diversity?

...I am so intensely aware that I need some companionship! I have been for years now. Am I really open to it? BE OPEN. I am only getting older and lonelier. I don't want to wait forever. Shit, I don't want to wait another year! Let's take some action!